Worse Than Death

 In the past couple of years, I have had to accept the grief of 4 deaths - each spaced about 3 months apart it seems. People say there is nothing worse than death but there is.

Worse than dying is when someone dies alone or sad or unfulfilled or just lost. 

I heard about the death of someone recently who I was once very close to - about as close as one could get. We had not been in touch for a long time. Over the past 40 or so years, we'd only kept in touch sporadically. We kept in touch so rarely that every time we did speak it was like another lifetime had gone by. 

What I always regret when someone dies is what I did or did not say. I was able to apologize to this last person a few years ago. Of course, we'd fuss or just not be nice and on a couple of our last calls, things got really unpleasant. But I hate that this person died alone. I hate wondering if he felt relief or fear or just not caring at all. I hate that I never pushed harder to confront him with the Gospel. I hate that I only heard what he said and didn't pick up on what he might have been feeling or really trying to say. I really hate that I didn't hear the unspoken sadness or despair. Most of all, I hate that he felt he couldn't let me know about any of those feelings. That's what's worse than death.

If you have someone in your life with whom you have a complicated relationship - maybe you don't always get along or maybe you don't get along for reasons that you can't fix. If there is someone like this in your life, when you do talk to them, talk as if you might never talk to them again. Listen to what they say with their words and with their silence. If they get angry with you, try to understand where the anger comes from. Don't hang up wondering. Ask. Talk. Listen, listen, listen.

I think that I have told here or on my other blog about how my mother saw with her eyes and with her heart. Even if she was mad at you - or maybe didn't even know you - she saw you.

Once my mother and I passed by a young woman sitting on a bench at the mall. I have a habit of looking unfriendly unless I am smiling or trying hard not to look unfriendly. There's a common and crass phrase for this. My mother had the same kind of facial expression. However, there was something about her that people could see. They never saw her as scowling or unfriendly. People almost always smiled at or nodded to her in passing. I don't know what that was about.

When we passed by the young woman that day (I can't remember at this particular moment whether or not she was alone or with kids; I think she was with small kids), I had my usual passive expression (yeah, the mean one) and my mother had hers, After we passed the woman, my mother reminded me how important our interactions with people are - even those we just happen to pass by. She made me understand what even the briefest smile or frown can mean to someone, how it might impact them. And then she told me to smile more. Once I realized how mean I looked when I wasn't smiling, I walked around smiling like a maniac. 

I know now what my mother was trying to teach me. I know that your whole day can be lifted or dashed by a smile, a frown, a look of contempt, or non-acknowledgment. I know that I have been having really bad bouts of depression - that no one could see because a lot of depression hides behind big smiles - and ran across someone just for a moment and was made to feel either suicidal or refreshed.

Do any of us want to be the last unfriendly face someone sees? Or that ours is the last angry, unkind,  or indifferent voice someone hears? 

Since I have been studying the Bible lately, when I think of what my mother said about our attitude and how it might have an effect on others, I always remember my favorite part of the Book of Numbers - it's Numbers 6:24-27. I have been planning on sharing favorite passages here on the blog, so I will end this post with one.

Since I didn't speak to my friend about the Gospel, the only comfort I have is that I don't know the last thing that was in his heart. I don't know if he cried out to God. What I do know is that once someone is gone, there is nothing we can do but mourn. We can't fix what was broken, we can't speak or un-speak any words. Regret is so much worse than death.

 Peace

--Free