Before I got saved, I had the idea that Christians didn't get depressed - I mean, not deeply, darkly depressed. I grew up as a victim of pamphlets with illustrations of only-happy Christians. Happy, happy happy, joy, joy, joy, all the day long! Well, I know now how false that is. At least part of it.
I am once again in the midst of one of my dark struggles with depression and I had to see my doctor. She's great and suggested the various options for getting through it this time. One of the questions a doctor always asks a depressed patient is if they feel like harming themselves. My answer: When I die, if someone says it's a suicide, call in the police! She knows that I am a Christian and that suicide is the one thing I would never do so we both did get a little smile that day.
I've struggled with what's called "mood disorder" all my life but things got worse when I was diagnosed with this autoimmune situation. But somehow my depression, no matter how bad it gets, does not cancel out my joy. It's hard to explain but there it is.
One day, chatting with a neighbor at the mailbox, I could tell she was feeling very down. A lot of people in my building are in their late 70s and 80s - a few are in their 90s - and it's tough getting older at any rate but especially when you are on a really limited income. Some of my neighbors - like the woman I mention - have outlived all their friends and some of their children. This lady is someone who had a really busy life and career as a mom and a teacher. These days, she is quite alone and, I think, bored. At the mailbox, we chatted about the up-and-down weather we've been having and I mentioned that if she was planning to go out anywhere, she should do it before the temps went back down. She said that she never goes out anywhere but to doctors' appointments because she has nowhere else to go. She seemed so lost and sad that it broke my heart.
This woman has a depression worse I think than my own. She once told me that when she lost her only child (he was fairly young at 53) just before she moved here, and she never really got over it. She was already a widow and her health is not awful but not great. She'd lost her one sibling but had hopes of spending her retirement with her spouse at least. She has no grandchildren and her one nephew (or niece?) lives overseas.
So here we are, two depressed older women - without spouses or kids. But she is depressed with no joy.
I have shared my faith with her, bringing it up during one of our casual chats about our common woes. She didn't seem interested and told me that she has never been "into church and all that". Ever since then, I have been trying to find a way to tell her that faith and hope are not about a building. Shame on me that I'm having trouble working that into one of our chats.
Thinking about people like this woman, I wonder if a doctor has ever asked her about her desire to live or die. I'd like to think that a doctor - any of her doctors - will see the signs of her despair and reach out with help.
For me, even though I am lucky to have such a doctor, my faith is my main lifeline.
In the darkest kind of depression, I can hold onto the knowledge that my life has meaning. My existence here might not be as impactful as anyone else, but God has me here. There are times when I should have died - from doing crazy stuff in my youth to running into and with the wrong kind of people to just being a breath away from dangers I didn't even know about - but, for this moment, I am here. I matter to God if I never matter to anyone else. And that gives me joy and wonder that maybe I won't understand until my afterlife.
So today, I am thinking of all the people who struggle with their physical, mental, and emotional ailments. I am trying to remember to pray that they find Jesus and through him, peace.
I was trying to remember the verse that applies to this and just looked it up:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 MKJV) [my bold]
This is something I never understood when my mother spoke of it until I turned to God and gave my heart to Jesus. I hope that it touches someone today.
Peace
--Free
