Depression & Joy

 Before I got saved, I had the idea that Christians didn't get depressed - I mean, not deeply, darkly depressed. I grew up as a victim of pamphlets with illustrations of only-happy Christians.  Happy, happy happy, joy, joy, joy, all the day long!  Well, I know now how false that is. At least part of it.

I am once again in the midst of one of my dark struggles with depression and I had to see my doctor. She's great and suggested the various options for getting through it this time. One of the questions a doctor always asks a depressed patient is if they feel like harming themselves. My answer: When I die, if someone says it's a suicide, call in the police! She knows that I am a Christian and that suicide is the one thing I would never do so we both did get a little smile that day.

I've struggled with what's called "mood disorder" all my life but things got worse when I was diagnosed with this autoimmune situation. But somehow my depression, no matter how bad it gets, does not cancel out my joy. It's hard to explain but there it is.

One day, chatting with a neighbor at the mailbox, I could tell she was feeling very down. A lot of people in my building are in their late 70s and 80s - a few are in their 90s - and it's tough getting older at any rate but especially when you are on a really limited income. Some of my neighbors - like the woman I mention - have outlived all their friends and some of their children. This lady is someone who had a really busy life and career as a mom and a teacher. These days, she is quite alone and, I think, bored. At the mailbox, we chatted about the up-and-down weather we've been having and I mentioned that if she was planning to go out anywhere, she should do it before the temps went back down. She said that she never goes out anywhere but to doctors' appointments because she has nowhere else to go. She seemed so lost and sad that it broke my heart.

This woman has a depression worse I think than my own. She once told me that when she lost her only child (he was fairly young at 53) just before she moved here, and she never really got over it. She was already a widow and her health is not awful but not great. She'd lost her one sibling but had hopes of spending her retirement with her spouse at least. She has no grandchildren and her one nephew (or niece?) lives overseas.

So here we are, two depressed older women - without spouses or kids. But she is depressed with no joy.

I have shared my faith with her, bringing it up during one of our casual chats about our common woes. She didn't seem interested and told me that she has never been "into church and all that". Ever since then, I have been trying to find a way to tell her that faith and hope are not about a building. Shame on me that I'm having trouble working that into one of our chats.

Thinking about people like this woman, I wonder if a doctor has ever asked her about her desire to live or die. I'd like to think that a doctor - any of her doctors - will see the signs of her despair and reach out with help.

For me, even though I am lucky to have such a doctor, my faith is my main lifeline. 

In the darkest kind of depression, I can hold onto the knowledge that my life has meaning. My existence here might not be as impactful as anyone else, but God has me here. There are times when I should have died - from doing crazy stuff in my youth to running into and with the wrong kind of people to just being a breath away from dangers I didn't even know about - but, for this moment, I am here. I matter to God if I never matter to anyone else. And that gives me joy and wonder that maybe I won't understand until my afterlife.

So today, I am thinking of all the people who struggle with their physical, mental, and emotional ailments. I am trying to remember to pray that they find Jesus and through him, peace.

I was trying to remember the verse that applies to this and just looked it up:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. 

And the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 MKJV) [my bold]

This is something I never understood when my mother spoke of it until I turned to God and gave my heart to Jesus. I hope that it touches someone today.

Peace

--Free

Blessings I Forget To Count

The other day, I started sliding into one of my every-now-and-then-funks. I have put on 5 pounds, I need to deep condition my hair, and my meds made me sicker than usual. Yeah. And it was the 5 pounds that hit me hardest. I was struggling to zip my best pair of jeans and had to suck in deep to make that work. That sent me into an immediate sob session.

So, when I finished crying, I felt slightly better but was still determined to avoid looking in the mirror for a while. I was psyching myself up to practice better eating habits (at least for the day) and as I made a list of some fruits and vegetables to order for the week, a realization hit me.

I am so spoiled by the many blessings in my life that I often forget to count some of them. Or I tally them in the wrong column - under Trials instead of under Blessings.

I stood there in the kitchen, looking into a decently stocked fridge and chastised myself. Instead of ordering produce, I spent some time thanking God for the blessings I had just been crying over. This reminds me of the First World Problems community on Reddit. 

How dare I worry about gaining 5 pounds when there are people who aren't eating? I'm fat because I have an abundance of food. I just need to choose healthier meals. I can't get into my "best" jeans but I have enough clothing to call some of them my best or worst or too small, or too big, or - and this is shameful - too "dressy".

This quarantine situation is only "boring" to me because I am tired of my TV, computer, tablet, books, music, and peace and quiet. I can't imagine the people in this world that would give just about anything to have one of those luxuries. Just to live in a peaceful environment is worth all the fame and gold there is.

I'm sick from my medication because I live in a country where medication is available for my condition. I'm not some poor, diseased orphan, sitting around uncared for and dying of neglect. I have family and friends who care about my health and sanity, God help them. I go to a hospital with trained and equipped professionals who make it their mission to keep me alive and in a decent quality of life.

Every now and then, I have to remind myself to stop hanging my head in sorrow so that I can look up in joy. The other day, I forgot for a moment to count all these blessings. And, even when I am dealing with serious trials - you know, more serious than a blow to my vanity - I need to remember this:

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces [a]patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be [b]perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.(James 1:2-8 NKJV)

If the past several weeks have taught me anything it's that life can change in the blink of an eye. We should take nothing for granted - not the blessings or the trials we live with. This current situation might not be the beginning of the "last days" but we are each going to face our own personal last day at some point. Let's never forget to enjoy each pleasure and blessing because it could be for the last time. I want to live every moment of my life in thankfulness and hope.

Speaking of this global situation we are dealing with, I am truly thankful for it. Because of the pandemic, there are a lot of people having serious discussions online about life and death. More people are thinking about their eternity. Right now, I am so blessed to know what mine holds.

To end this post on a humorous note, I saw this meme going around about quarantined parents. I almost broke a rib laughing!

If you are going a little stir crazy, I have posted some resources over on Being Free.

Peace
--Free 

Surviving a Temporary World

This has been a time of deep depression for me. I suffer from "the blues" off and on and have gotten used to the feelings. Usually, I work through the bad days by reminding myself that the sadness is temporary. I try to think of the last time I felt such a way and remember that I came through it. There are times though when the dark despair grabs hold and just sinks its teeth in. The past week has been one of those times.

What I am reminding myself of today as I wait for the depression to ease up is that not only is the unexplainable sadness temporary but this whole mortal life is not forever. I also remind myself that these attacks are the work of Satan - or at least the work of sin and consequences.

I suppose one of Satan's most gleeful accomplishments is when he can get our human hearts to look away from God to focus on everything but what we have to be thankful for. I have so much to be grateful for: a roof over my head and food and medications and people who care about me. But even if I were the most bereft person with nothing but life and breath, I could be thankful that there is a Savior who died for all of us.

All this for me

Of course, I am human and of flesh so I often find myself floating around in my misery.  The other day, I felt as if I was shut away in the darkest kind of darkness. I felt chained to the dark.

For those who don't know or who cannot understand, depression is real. I've heard some Christians say that depression is just self-pity or that it's something we just need to pray about. The first is not usually true and the second, while true, doesn't help the sufferer deal with the moment they are in. I pray all the time and I know that I will come out of my bad moments - one way or the other - because I do have a Savior who loves me. But it's the moment we sufferers live in that is the danger. How many people have not made it through that moment? How many people weakened during one of those moments?

I don't want someone telling me to "be a warrior, not a worrier" when I am fighting depression. If you want to do something for a person in the grips of depression, you pray for them. You be their prayer warrior.

Source

So, yes, this too will pass, I know that. It's the surviving until then that I struggle with. I will wait it out, ride it out, pray it out, and I will come through. I just pray for the people who don't have that faith or hope. But I do have that faith. I do have that hope that comes from knowing that all this world can take from me is this body. My soul is safe.

I never forget advice from a favorite song: to stop fighting a battle that has already been won because I am redeemed.

Peace
--Free